Monday, June 29, 2009

First day back and we all survived!

Today went well!

First of all, Maddie has had a hard time taking bottles. We thought it was just the fact that she nurses, however, today we realized she just needed a little jaw support to make it all better. :)

So, I dropped Maddie off at 8:00 and headed on to my room. At 9:00 I waited for her out on the playground, but no Maddie, she was taking a nap. which then I realized that I was so happy she was comfortable enough with her room to sleep. :)

Then at 10:00 I headed to the baby room to pump but discovered my baby crying and she was still refusing her fist bottle of the day. I then took her with me in the back room, nursed on one side and pumped on the other. Daddy then showed up and he sat back there with us as well, which was really nice. :)

I went on back to work, and Maddie went about her day, but still refusing to take a bottle. It was then around 1:00 pm when one of my friends and a physical therapist came in and watched her with the bottle. She suggested some chin support so that Maddie could get a better latch on the bottle...perfect...and my baby was able to eat!

Over all, it was a good day. And now Maddie and I are having out, just loving on each other, waiting for daddy to get home. :)

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Ok, so its not official but all of a sudden I got really excited about it! :)

I have now worked in classes 8, 9, 7, and looking forward to 6! :)

I was speaking with a friend of mine who is also a coworker and she informed me that I'd be taking over her class starting in August. My friend has decided to step down to an assistance position due to the fact that we have to spend a great deal of time outside of the classroom now.

I had hoped my friend would continue to work in the room. I truly admire her skills and would love to work with her, however, she's been told she'll move to another room for whatever reasons.

Anyway, after my first year working at this school, I was promoted to lead teacher. As we were going through the interviewing process I had hoped in my heart that I would get class 6. However, I was placed in the baby room instead. It was not my first choice. Many people dont see this room as anything more than a glorified babysitting position. Well, I made it my objective to prove them wrong. We did everything under the sun that everyone else did. We actually even scored one of the highest scores in the state on our yearly state evaluation. The school and state were very impressed with that classroom. Anyway, I stayed in that room for another year, however, asking several times to be moved to other, older classrooms. Finally, this school year I was given the opportunity to move into a toddler room. It was a good year.

Well, there seem to be more changes taking place starting in August and it seems I'll be moved over to another older room, classroom 6. :) I am extremely excited. I'm not 100% sure it will happen, I'll have to let you know come August, but overall I'm happy with the change. However, I am a bit sad I wont be in Maddie's room with her. I'm not sure they would have allowed me to stay, but I would give anything to be back as that lead teacher now. Isnt it odd how one of my hearts desires will be fulfilled, yet, another only yearns to be back where I once was? :)

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Just got word...

Eary Intervetion Specialists will not be going on salary next year! They were going to put us on salary, without a raise, to stop the over time. However, the governement says there is a minimun standard that you must make to be placed on salary and it seems we dont qualify for that standard. Yes, that is a bit sad, but still, no salary! It seems the year after next there will be a pay increase and then salary will begin, but overtime will be had for the school year of 09 - 10!

God's Peace

It's amazing to me that when I turn everything over to the Lord, I find so much peace. I went straight to the bible and began reading, and now I'm ready for bed. :) I'm filled with a calm that rarely comes to me.

I am a control freak under construction. :)

Friday, June 26, 2009

This portfolio really has me in a tizzy!

So, I'm lying in bed, trying to relax, trying to drift off to a peaceful nights sleep, when work pops into my head. Oh, that darn portfolio is driving me crazy. I completed it already!!!!

Oh, dear God, I am so stressed about going back in there. I'm worried they wont give me coverage to get it all completed. I'm worried I'll still need to do home visits for the month of July but that I wont have time. I'm worried when I go in Monday I wont even know what songs to sing, that my routine will be completely off since I'll probably be spending my whole time thinking about Maddie and wondering what she's doing. The other two women that I work with dont have children and so there has always been this slight gap between us. I havent felt as if I've been able to give this class 100% with being pregnant, being out for 4 months, and now going back to do paper work.

Please, Lord, take my anxiety. I dont want it. Allow me to give it to you and rest this weekend. Thank you for the reminder that I do all my work for you, not man. :)

January 16, 2009

I just ran across this on my friend's FB. It's a survey I took back in January and it made me smile.

1. I currently have a hang-nail on my right, little toe.
2. I am very excited about having a natural birth and bringing this growing-so-big baby into the world.
3. I miss my mom terribly, more than I ever thought possible to miss any soul.
4. I like pasta, or maybe thats just a craving I'm having at the moment.
5. I am no longer a social butterfly, as I was in the past, and as the pattern goes, I'll be a hermit by the time I'm dead.
6. I rarely finish reading a book, yet I start a new one every few months.
7. I think I'm a closet ADD with a bit of Autism.
8. I pop my toes on a regular basis, especially during movies/tv at home.
9. I plan to one day finish my Master's in special ed.
10. I've learned that not everyone from my past still "feels" the same way about me as I do them.
11. I plan to have a hard body, again, one day.
12. I eat eggs daily.
13. I have a picture of a pig jumping off a peir and it always makes me smile.
14. I am seriously a picky bitch when it comes to my personal life/home.
15. I am always anxious.
16. I actually enjoyed writing stuff about myself. :)

p.s. I'm going by and picking up an application for another school sometime today. Wish me luck!

A Sad Funk

I have a sad funk going on today. Yes, at 19 CD I did meet AF which could be causing this turning point in my mood at the moment. It seems my body is still getting use to the shot. Hopefully, it will get itself straighted back out soon.

I'm thinking of going to counseling, my in-laws drive me crazy.

I should be working out at the moment but my motivation is so far gone. My belly hurts, badly. I just want time to stop for a moment so I can just sit and hold Maddie. I miss my boys so much right now. Austin is making sure he's staying away until I get back from Memphis and Jeremy is in Memphis. :) I smile when I think of them. Just one more week and then we'll all be back together again.

I do not want to go back to work.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

A walking date and happiness

Earlier this week Sean and I made a committment to walk Tuesdays and Thursdays evenings. Well, I had thought about it in passing but didnt really think Sean would hold up his end of the deal. I was wrong. :) He's ready to get into shape or so it seems. :) He came home, we chatted, he played with Maddie, I started cooking, and now he's resting and I'll wake him in a bit for our evening walk. Just the thought of it makes me happy. My life may not be perfect but it does contain perfect moments. :)

It all depends on how you look at it, but sometimes, it just sucks all the way around

The graduation was great. Seeing all my friends was great. Having my portfokio handed back to me after working on it the whole time I was pregnant and then being told it needed more work really sucked. Knowing I'll have to leave my baby in a room with 7 other kids really sucks. I called my MIL to see if she'd watch Maddie for the month of July and some August. She said she'd call me back and tell me. Now I almost regret asking. I am not a happy camper today, however, I trust God and His will.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

God is working in great ways!

Last night Sean, Maddie, and I headed down to coolige park to meet up with a college christain group. When Sean and I were both at UTC we attended the Wesley group meetings. Wesley was the man who founded the Methodist church, therefore you will hear me refer to the Wesley center and such a great deal and now you under stand the story behind it. :)

It is good, though, to see whats going on in the college life. Some are engaged, some are changing majors, and some are trying to find housing. :) Everyone enjoyed ooooing and aweing over Maddie, though, oh and did daddy enjoy showing her off. :) Oh, did you know the 1st century church mainly sat around, rejoicing over Jesus Christ and eating? They focused on baptism and communion. It wasnt until others began calling them "orgy fests" that they stopped the feasting, and celebrated only the communion. I'm enjoying my history book on Christianity. :)

After that we took a short walk and then headed back home. Saturday night we have a get together with our Sunday School group to watch a movie and order some pizza. :) Mmmm, good!

Then Monday, my first day back to work, Sean, Maddie, and I will be heading over to a friend's house to sit around and discuss any questions I have about God. :) The friend is a Reverand and there will be another Reverand there as well. I'm not as close to the other guy but I use to attend his Thursday night get together while I was in school so I'm very familar with him. :)

Like I said, God is definitly working in our lives right now. :)

Crying

I was holding Maddie last night and just started crying thinking about Stephanie being in the hospital with while her baby had trouble breathing. I'm sure she would have given anything to just turn back some time, erase parts of the future, just make it all go away.

Tyler woke up from surgery but they kept him on oxygen because he would stop breathing. Maybe its normal for such a young bady to have a hard time. I dont know.

Her morning post said he was covered in wires/tubes and that he would need treatment for two years. That he will remain in the hospital for 5 to 7 weeks for right now. Wow. Their lives just took a huge turn. I just cant imagine the pain, the shock, the anger, and fear that they will all feel.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Tyler

Tyler went into surgery today in regards to his cancer. His mom just posted that he is having a hard time waking up. Please keep them in your prayers.

Old Pics

I was cleaning out my online photo site when I came across some old pics and wanted to share them.. :)
Wow, Austin, about 3 years or so ago, being very geeky at IHOP.


My baby Jeremy, six months old. :)


Sean was either tickling me at the moment or he had just licked my face. He does both more often than he should. :)





My kitty, Joy, oh I miss her.

Oh how terribly sad

I just discovered that one of the woman from my baby group has a son with cancer. He is four months. I can not imagine what she is going through right now nor what she will have to face in the future.

Oh, my heart is so broken for this woman and her baby. Children are not suppose to be sick. Babies should never have to be subjected to chemo.

Please keep this family in your prayers. I know God is with them and will carry them through this.

Monday, June 22, 2009

What a wonderful moment...

My baby girl is taking a great deal of naps today and instead of doing anything productive, I'm cruising the internet. :)



Anyway, I was just looking around the March 2009 Wild Things board and there was a comment from one of our moms who is now pregnant again! She had lost her baby girl at birth and so to see her pregnant again is so awesome! I am so happy for her. I know having another baby wont take the place of the little one she lossed, but I know she is happy about this baby and I'm so happy as well. :)



Also, there was a mom posting about her thinning hair and whether or not to go with a short cut. I totally agreed and started loking at cuts.

I think I'd like to go with a Bob...

Just a bit of remembering...

Madison is sleeping at them moment and I wanted to just take a moment and reflect on this last year. :)

June 26 was the date I always said when the dr./midwife asked when my LMP was. July 21st was the day I saw that positive test. July 4 or 5 was the day she was conceived. I just cant believe its almost been a year since this journey started.

I wish I would have known the dates for my boys. I know its a possiblity that Jeremy was conceived on Halloween, which always haunted me in the back of my mind while I was pregnant. There was always the question of would my child be wild? :) I know, crazy, but thats how it was. :)

I remember I found out about Austin right around Christmas. His dad and I were on break from school.

I was away at a conference with two co-workers/friends when Sean called me up about a year ago and said he'd had the most vivid dream. He dreamed there was a little girl about a year old, she walked up to him, took his hand, and told him she had a dirty diaper. I remember smiling and telling him God must be giving him a "buffer". I was really shocked when I found out I was pregnant with Maddie. We had only tried for about two cycles and then she was here.

The next nine months were like a rollercoaster. I must say, I never thought I would have been able to stay out of work the whole time. I also never thought I could have made it without developing PPD. I am happy as I look back on this last year and I'm looking forward with so much joy. :)

Oh, my belly hurts!

I've been off work for 15 weeks now and what a blessing its been.

I return back to work next Monday, only 7 days from today, and my stomach is so torn up over it. I actually couldnt sleep last night thinking about the fact that I'd be going back.

First of all, I love my job. I get so much satisfaction from working with those kids. I've seen babies make milestones that no one thought would be possible. :) However, I've also seen several babies go back to be with God.

Siskin is an amazing school, and I am so grateful to be working there. I just cant believe my time with Maddie will be over. No, no, no, I should view it a different way. Our lives are just changing. I'll get to share Madison with all those people I love at work. I know I'll hear stories all day from the therapists who go into her room, and I'll be able to play with her on the playground, twice a day, and I can even see her on my lunch break.

Oh, but still, I have truly enjoyed this time off. :)

Thursday is graduation day and I'll be going to see all my kids do their little performance. :) Hopefully, just being back there will relieve some of this anxiety.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Daddy's Day

So far on Father's Day:

~ Maddie and I headed to church where I realized even though Jesus only ministered for about 3 years, we still worship Him 2,000 years later. Wow! I dont believe there is any other person in history to have had such a short public life and yet to be so well known still today.

God mighty and God is good!

Next we came home and I started cooking some food. Sean requested two steaks, chicken legs B.B.Q., corn, green beans, and pasta salad. I'm sure I'll also throw just a green salad in there as well. Mmmm, I'm really looking forward to eating. Oh, an on the calorie note, I'm down 2 lbs from the last time I weighed which was about 2 weeks ago and I'm a little off on my work outs, but that should start back up soon enough. :)

Oh, as I'm cooking Sean put a game in and Maddie is just loving it. Sean had told her from birth, "no TV til your 2 :)" but she just cant help it. We actually all went out to a movie yesterday and she slept through half of it and watched the other half. I kept talking to her just cause I think its so wrong for babies/kids to go too long without communication, but thats another soap box, so lets just end it here. :)

Oh, and the pic is one of Daddy's presents. He so loves seeing his girl smile for him. :)

God

I had a hard day yesterday.

My head kept being filled with doubtful thoughts: "I'm not a good teacher, I'm not a good mother." At first I had no idea where all of this was coming from. I had a wonderful morning with Maddie, we played with all her toys and just talked and talked. I was then reminded that I'd be returning to work within just about a week and then I just began feeling so guilty toward my baby girl.

Then it hit me, God doesnt cause us to doubt. It's said that Satan is the accuser. Satan is the one who caused Eve to doubt God's love and intent for her. So, I was able to smile a bit and realized spiritual warfare is in no way fun.

Then my husband woke up. I kept wanting to get snippy with him and the poor man hadnt done anything wrong. I kept praying. I explained to him what was going on and he instantly pipped up and said I was a great teacher and the best mother he'd even known. Ok, so that make me smile, but it wasnt much later til my mood turned sour again.

Therefore, God led me here:
Ephesians 6:10-18
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

He will always give us the tools. :)

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Thrush

A yeast infection of the mouth.

Sean found a white blister in Madison's mouth this afternoon. It makes complete sense since I've been dealing with uncomfortable nursing for some time now. I keep applying the medicine and tonight we began giving her the oral medicine. Ohhhhhhhhh, she does not like it to which it caused her to throw up all of her milk.

We both took a nice bath and then an hour or so later I gave her the other dose that we never got to before. It doesnt seem to cause her any pain, but I sure would like for this to clear up. I'd nevre had it with the boys so its all new to me. If anyone knows of any quick fix remedies out there I'm all for hearing about it. :)

Friday, June 19, 2009

OMG

Wow.

My mother-in-law just left with several more items for her yard sale. I've spent the day empting out boxes, making stacks of what I'll keep but mainly making stacks for whats to be sold/giving away.

I've gone through all but one of the really bad boxes and hopefully by tomorrow it will all be cleaned out. There are still like a hundred more boxes/bags to go through, but it will be done. Also, I'll be able to find some great toys down there for Maddie.

Later on today's list, the grocery store for some steaks, a window fan for Maddie's room at night, a frame for daddy's Father's day pic and maybe a shelf so the picture will have a place to sit.

It's been a good day. :)

Cleaning and Ewwwwwwy What A Mess!

So, last week Sean got downstairs and cleaned up the two rooms that were flooded. He moved all my stuff over to the other half of the house, still downstairs. I've now began going through some of the boxes. I've discovered bed spreads that are being washed/bleached and some family pictures that I'm cleaning up. It seems like everything has some form of mold on it. I want to quickly get all the boxes out of the house before it just keeps spreading. I could use your prayers that I get this project tackled and done within the week.

I'm also calling around making appointments and such for the kids while I'm still off work and I must say its a pain. I have to call like 10 numbers just to get the correct doctor on the phone all the while, while trying to save phone minutes. :)

Verizon and I have a love-hate relationship. :)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Baby names; Family names

Amelia Rose
and
Nellie

Two family names I just came across. I like naming my babies after family members. Each one of my kids has a middle name that has family reference. Austin David from my dad's name Anton David, Jeremy William from my grandad William (Bill), and Madison Anne from my mom Theresa Anne. Oh, and if Maddie was to be a boy, it was gonna be Shannon McGeehee. :)

Speaking of the kids, I hear Maddie in there now doing her little squeaky fuss. :)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Bloggess and Bathrooms

There is a woman out in the world that routinely entertains me.


She spoke of the one place to get away from it all, the bathroom, and I stand by this idea firmly. Since I've been a mother for half my life now, I seem to have always had someone with me, and I've slowing come to understand the one place that most people wont follow you is, indeed, into the bathroom. :) Now, when it comes to little ones you have to teach them that the bathroom door is closed for 2 reason: your privacy and sanity.

It was just today that my 6 year old busted through the bathroom door to tell me something. Thank goodness I was finished and about to leave, but again, I had to remind him that the door is closed so that he cant come in.

Speaking of mommahood, there was a family over at the house today, dropping off their two kids for Uncle Jack and I to watch. Its a young couple and I was really impressed with the 9 month old who is already crawling and such. I asked if she stayed home with them to which she said yes. I told her she'd done a good job with him and she sighed and said it wasnt all ways the best times, or something of that sort.

I smiled but in my heart I felt a whisper say, "youre really lucky to be able to stay home with your babies." I know my little one will only be two classrooms down and I'll be able to see her twice a day out on the playground, but still, that doesnt make up for these wonderful days that I just get to be with her, all the time. I love my job, I just love my kids alot more. :)

Yes, yes, yes, we are probably finished...but...

I seriously feel the beautiful birth of Maddie is what has allowed this idea of another baby to linger. And, maybe because I had to have two identities for my baby while pregnant, Madison and Shannon, since we didnt know the sex.

My personal recommendation to parents: know what sex your baby is. It was much harder for me to "feel" my true baby by not knowing. I felt nuetral a great deal of time as in, I couldnt really picture how my baby would look because I didnt know the gender. Anyway, it did have its fun moments thinking about it, but overall, I WANTED TO KNOW. :)

And, maybe it was also the fact that Sean kept saying, if its a boy, we'll just keep trying til we get a girl. He so wanted another daughter. :) I knew it was a girl, in my heart, just like I knew the others were boys, but I always knew I could have been wrong, so there was always the anxiety of not knowing. Plus, my midwife kept telling me my baby had a boy's heartbeat. :) However, Jeremy always registered as a girl's heartbeat so I always just used that excuse to keep my girl idea.

So, yeah, finally, after three babies, the real baby bug has hit me. I think with the other two, my life was busy, that I just incorporated them into it but, sadly, never had the time to just really focus on them. And now, with Maddie, my world has slowed down a bit, and I still think about little Shannon. :)

Monday, June 15, 2009

16 and Pregnant

MTV has a reality show, 16 and Pregnant, with a couple from Chattanooga.

And they ride 4-wheelers, while pregnant. Ok....

And, they used my dr, but not really my doctor, the doctor in with my doctor, which was a little shocking to see my office and hosptial on tv. Now that brought back some memories. :)


My life at 16 and pregnant was nothing like this show. I didnt brag about my baby, instead I went away to a home for pregnant girls, well, until I cried and begged my parents to come and get me. However, my school life wasnt about rubbing my belly or asking me questions about being pregnant.
Anyway, it ended up to be so sad. Wow, just truly sad watching all the heartache surrounding that baby. I dont think I'll be watching anymore of those shows.

Dr. Luke

I've been given the desire to read Luke and then Acts. Would you like to join me??

Update:

Luke 1:38
Mary responded, "I am the Lord's servant, and I am willing to accept whatever he wants. May everything youu have said come true." And then the angel left.

Mary has just been told by the angel, Gabriel, that she will carry a holy child, the Son of God.

I think I am more like her uncle, Zechariah, who just six months earlier was told his wife would become pregnant and instead of submitting himself to the Lord and His will, instead Zechariah asked for proof. :)

Zechariah was made to where he couldnt speak until the birth of his son, John. It was then that he truly believed God. :)

Alright, so today I'm meditate on the words of Mary, wow, I almost felt Catholic just then :).

"I am the Lord's servant, and I am willing to accept whatever he wants."

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Too Cute!!!

This will be the third time of trying to create this post. Here goes...


Two awesomely cute/fun links:

http://www.thenest.com/

As well as, http://www.babylegs.com/, thanks to Mellissa. :)

It looks like a war zone at there.

So, Friday night's storm really did some damage.

There are trees down everywhere: in roads, on homes, in powerlines, just everywhere. And then this morning I awoke to what sounded like a gun being shot outside my window. The rains are here, and I'm so glad they arent making it back to Chattanooga.

Sean has been working on the house and he says everytime he picks an item up water just runs out of it. It seems it will take a few more days before the basement is actually cleaned up. Then his mom and Tony are to come over and actually fix the problem.

I am not a big fan of my FIL, however, please keep him in your prayers. He has probably suffered a heart attack, yet wont go to the hospital. He has been unable to work for probably a week now which is a burden in itself, but I'm not here to vent on him, just to ask for prayers.
Enough of that soap box.

Sean got an IM from Jerri's brother lastnight. Sean had left his MySpace up after playing on of its million games and then got a little message from a guy who he'd been friends with for about 6 months but had never realized who the guy actually was. He asked about Katherine and Jerri and the brother said they were doing fine. :) I'm super excited to think they could start talking again. Please keep them all in your prayers.

On a different note, but still sticking with kids, I'd like to move to Memphis after getting my Master's. Sean's ok with the idea and then we even jokingly threw around the idea of having other babies once we're out here. :) He said he'd like to wait til Maddie's about 14 before we have another one so she can babysit. I was like, "what?" He said, "yeah, dont you realize how many movies I've missed since Madison was born?" And its the truth. We use to go out all the time and now we stay home cause we dont have a babysitter, or as in my case, I just want to be with my baby and figure we'll watch all those movies on one of the multi mail movie services we use. :)

Alright, then, church this morning, and then I'm not sure what else. Enjoy your day!!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Wonderful Time

My time with family is going great! Now to bed. :)

Oh, we had a tornado and I cried in the bathroom. But God kept us safe, and so I'm here, writing to you. :)

Friday, June 12, 2009

Enjoying my time

We got into Memphis around 4:00 pm our time. We stopped twice to feed Maddie, once for a group pee, and once to just walk around Wal-Mart so Maddie could get some interaction and be out of her seat for a bit.

When we got here my cousin, Bubba, as I've always called him came over and met Maddie. Well, she started crying, screaming actually, and then the rest of the family came in and she just wouldnt stop. The rest of her evening was spent pretty much the same way, ie. why there are no pics as of now.

Today we're heading over to my cousin's house, Tiffany, to just hang out while she has work done on her house. Tomorrow its to Aunt Connie's pool as well as maybe Sunday. Also, Bubba and his wife, Tammy, are going down to Mississippi to pick there son up from camp and then are going over to the "farm" to ride their 4-wheeler. The "farm" is actually a tree farm as well as our land dating back to the Civil War, with the original house still standing. Now, that mom has passed away, I own my own share of the land and I think I'd like to go down and see it all, maybe take a few pics and just be apart of it.

:)

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Memphis Bound


Maddie is totally loving the chat she is having with a water battle. :)


We're on our way to Memphis this morning. I have the pb&j sandwhiches made, the multi-types of chips, the drinks, the cooler, and I'm only missing the ice to top it all off.


Oh, and lets not forget the cherries. I love fruit!


We all ran over and visited with Kristen last night. It was a blast. As it always is. :)


Below are a few more pics from yesterday, enjoy!



Austin, holding a penny on his finger while we drive down the interstate. :)




Austin, looking too old







Ben, with his itty-bitty-baby-chocolate-frosty! Serously, did you know they made them this small?? :)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Sean's daughter, Katherine


Sean has another daughter, Katherine, and at one time, about a year ago, he was in touch with her.



Katherine's parents are both in the Navy and so when her mom went out to sea, Sean stopped hearing from her. From the first time Sean told me about her, and the fact that he didnt have a relationship with her, I'd always prayed in my heart that their relationship would change and grow.



Could you imagine the pain a father would carry around not being able to know/see his child? I couldnt imagine, and therefore periodically I think about Jerri and Katherine and wonder when it will possible for Sean to be apart of their lives again.



It popped back into my head today and so I called Sean up and asked if he'd looked for Jerri on FB to which he said yes. It kept bugging me so I looked up her name and searched for her on FB. I found her! :)



Please say a prayer that one day Sean will be able to see Katherine again, to hug her, and know her. She knows Sean's her daddy and they emailed back and forth a few times. I keep telling Sean he must try and keep in touch with her. The older she gets the more it will be difficult to reach her and to make sure she believes that he loves her.



I believe he's always loved her. How could he not?

Feelin' the Blah

Kristen ended up back in the hospital with an infection. She's here in town and called this morning to tell me that her dr. said she may be able to go after the next round of antibiotics.

She said she'd call later today so we could go over for a visit.

I dont understand why some lives are harder than others. I am just honored to be her friend.

Madison loves to swim with Daddy :)

Maddie loves to kick her legs while taking a bath with her Daddy. He gets in there and fills it up with water so that she can kick around and then he holds her out while on her belly to actually allow her to swim around. I think one day I'll make them put their swim suits on so I can actually get a pic of it because it is too cute. :)

*sneezes*

Alleries this summer are just killing me! :)

Also, I think Madison will be cutting her first two teeth soon. I began seeing the little buds of her first two bottom teeth about a month ago and now there is a faint white line where they are right beneath the gum. You can also begin to feel the ridges. I think within a month or two we'll have some pearly whites looking at us. I'm not sure how that will affect our nursing since she always bites me. I simply take my boob away from her at the moment, tell her no, in sign language of all things, wait a moment, and then give it back to her. *smiles* I so wouldnt put it past her to bite me and then enjoy the reaction I'll give her. :) She has a great sense of humor. :)

Ok, so that was my Maddie moment news update. Jeremy is spending the day with his dad before we leave for Memphis and Austin is sleeping, which is where he'll be until about noon or so. Ohhhhhh, I remember the days of being a teenager. :)

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Quickly

My mother's death deeply affected me. Since then I try to think of what my family would feel like without me; I try to leave little things around for them, for when I'm gone. I know, it may sound odd, but I cling to everything I can find of my mom's and I dont want my kids to ever have to do that with me.

Below are some quick notes I'm writing to my kids. I'm making a 2009 book and I'll put them in, so one day, if they like, they can look back on how I felt and loved them so.
*****

Dear Maddie,
You are 2 months old, and I am so grateful for you. Thank you for "singing" with me, for cooing at me when I smile. It lights up my world. Thank you for enjoying my company so, that when I sit you down, you'd rather be in my arms than any place else.

Dear Jeremy,
You are currently 6 years old and will be 7 next month. Thank you so much for the laughs. You are seriously funny. "Take in the music, and push it out with your tail." I love it! Thank you also for wanting all my attention when I'm giving it to others. :) Oh, and for your independence. It's great watching you grow up.

Dear Austin,
Thank you for the time you spend in the living room, playing on the computer. I do so appreciate just being in the room with you. I also love how we share music. I'm so proud of you in regards to your school and personal relationships.

I love you all so much, thanks for sharing your lives with me. :)

Workin' Out


So, its been about a week since I got a good work out in and so this afternoon I decided to pop in the Walk Away the Pounds DVD and enjoyed a good 45 minute work out.

I still feel uncomfortable leaving Madison at the Y nursery so I'm trying to go with Sean gets home or just doing some home exercises.

Family

So, maybe I freaked out a bit yesterday. Maybe. :)

I checked Maddie's room, pulling the carpet up in an area and realized there was no mold in her room, that line is actually dirt, which is gross in itself, but still, its not harmful.


I'm heading to Memphis on Thursday so we wont be gone as long. Daddy just couldnt stand the idea of being without his baby girl for so long. :)

And, below are just some pics of the family, in which I'm madly in love with. And another :)


This is Madison's first toy to play with. I believe infants only need people to interact with in the first few months and then later I intend on introducing more toys. Anyway, this baby doll was my baby doll. I dont remember playing with it but when I ran across it, I gave it a good wash, and here is Maddie, sleeping with her new friend...Lucy. :)



Jeremy is being a rebel child and has decided to sleep on the couch the WHOLE summer. :)



And our bird, Rod, socializing this morning. :)



Austin, talking to someone, with Madison hanging out, enjoying his company. This is, I think, the third time Austin has physically held his sister. :)

Monday, June 8, 2009

Heading on Out...

I discovered that black mold is growing in my basement, the room under Maddie's room and so I'm taking my family to Memphis for a bit until Sean can get it all cleaned up.

This house has a great deal of issues, one being flooding. Yes, I've asked for it to be fixed, and yes, I've been told it would be fixed, but still no go...so...I go. :)

There is also a black line that has developed around the carpet/baseboard area. It's a complete circle around Maddie's room and I'm really worried thats its mold. No, it doesnt stink in there but since the room beneath their has it, I'm just a bit freaked out about it.

Most of you know that I'd love to move and I cant for the day when I actually find that home and then buy it. You know the one, the one I've dreamed of since I was a little girl. Ok, well, maybe not that one, but still, you know. :)

However, I dont want to have to move under these conditions, but I will. I've prayed a great deal about this and I truly believe it's all in God's hands now. I'm sure I'll keep ya posted. :)

God and Babies :)

I dont know what heaven's like. I dont know what goes on before birth. I do know scripture says God knew me while I was in the womb, before birth.

Within a few weeks of Maddie being here she began laughing in her sleep. I was amazed. How could a 2/3 week old baby have the cognitive development to find humor in anything? They cant. There is no research that says the human brain is developed enough at birth to comprehend funny. And, the fact that she only did it in her sleep was another variable that helped me believe she was either remembering being with God or God was whispering to her while she slept.

I didnt really voice my thoughts to anyone, again, I dont know what happens before life, so I'm still just making assumptions here. I ran across a post on a friend's page and, again, began crying over its words. This is exactly how I picture what took place right before Maddie's birth. :)

A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?" God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you." The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy." God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy." Again the small child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?" God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak." "And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?" God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray." "Who will protect me?" God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life." "But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore." God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you." At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name." God said, You will simply call her, " Mom ."

Borrowed from Mellissa

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Hypnobabies



Maddie is my third baby, a homebirth, after giving birth to both my boys in a hospital setting. With my first, Austin, I was in labor, in a hospital bed, for 25 hours before giving birth to him. I had taken two epidurals, directed by my doctor, and actually was so numb that I wasnt able to push my baby out of my body. The nurse stood on a small step, placed her hands on my belly, and pushed down, actually pushing him out.

With my second, Jeremy, my water broke at 8:00 am. and by noon I was in the hospital, screaming/begging for an epidural. I had planned on going natural with him, as I had wanted with my first, but it seems when youre in terrible pain, those around you just want to help, and my support group, well, wasnt supportive enough to keep my birth plan. Jeremy's labor only lasted 8 hours but the intensity of it actually haunted me for the next six years, that is, until I had Maddie.

With this last pregnancy I started out with my dr. that had delivered Jeremy. I enjoy the man. You can tell he cares, truly does, and he's not big on drugs during pregnancy, which I respect and admire. However, when I began to think about my birth plan, I knew in my heart I wanted a different experience than the last two previous births. I was right around 4/5 months pregnant when I googled midwives in Chattanooga.

Birth Wellness

This is where I met Carolyn and my world opened up to something new. :) Something less scary. Something larger than myself. Something I'd never dreamed could ever come true...an amazing birth.

When I decided to go the route of a midwife, I heard many opinions that what I was doing was not the safest way to bring my baby into the world. My family worried, my co-workers worried, and only a few of my friends actually supported the whole idea. However, NO ONE truly believed I could do a drug-free childbirth. Some people even questioned my sanity on why I would even want to.

Well, having had my two epidurals I knew how my body reacted to them. Badly. I am a high anxiety person, and when you inject a drug into my body that causes me to interpret the world differently than what is it, well, I have panic attacks. And, this is what my previous births were about: panic, anxiety, fear, and pain.

Honestly, it wasnt until I got closer to my due date that I actually realized I wasnt going to have any type of pain medication through childbirth. I think I'd actually just pushed that idea to the side and instead knew I wanted to have a natural birth, but I ignored the idea of pain.

Natural to me meant freedom: no iv, no confinement to a bed, food/water while laboring, the right to say no and be heard. It actually never meant pain free, in the beginning.

After meeting Carolyn and deciding this was the way I wanted to go, I then began taking her birthing class, Hynobabies. Hynobabies is the idea of self-hypnosis. It's a class that teaches you how to relax and focus on the positive. I must admit, I never truly believed I'd hynotise myself enough to have a pain free birth. I'd you-tubed other hynobaby videos and was truly amazed by how calm these women were. I knew thats what I wanted, but I just didnt think I could get it. I mean, come on, I'd experienced childbirth and in no way was it calm, enjoyable, and relaxing. :)

However, I listened to my CD's and I went to class. I repeated to myself over and over again, "I deserve a wonderful birth." I began trusting my body. I began using signals such as "blue" to bring about a relaxed state, one in which I could still function, but that brought little moments of peace and calmness. I then began visually seeing the birth I wanted to experience.

I began rethinking my expectations of birth. I began retraining myself on how to speak about my body and what it was going to go through. Rather than labor or contractions, I was going to have pressure waves. And rather than being scared of these waves, I understood that they were like strong hugs that were going to help bring my baby to me, and that was what it all came down to...getting my baby. :) In the end, I had one expectation and that was to remain calm. I repeated it often in the break room at work, if nothing else, I just wanted to be calm.

Some of you have read Madison's birth story. The waves started around 5:00 pm and by 11:00 I was over at Carolyn's house, climbing into that big, comfy, bed to take a nap. I slept til I was 8 cm and woke up with pressure waves that didnt scare me but excited me with the news that my baby was on her way. :) It was an hour and half later when I finially got to hold my baby. Still to this day I'm amazed at the blessing that was given to me. If anyone was to try and tell me I could have the birth experience that I did, I'd never believe it, it was only by truly living it did it finally hit me that it is possible to enjoy birthing a baby.

Madison has changed my world. My experience of being pregnant and going through one of the most important moments as a woman, has truly opened my heart. I'm not the same me that I was before I had her, before I got pregnant with her. I dont know if God changed me for my family or if God used my family to change me, but either way its done and there's no turning back to what was.

Also, and lastly, one of the coolest things that happened that night is that I got to cut my baby's umbilical cord. I'd always wanted to do it but never really voiced it because I didnt believed anyone would let it happen. But they did. I carried my baby for 9 months and then I cut the cord and freed her from my body, giving her the right to be seperate, to be free, to be Maddie. :)

"What did you learn today?"

Jeremy: What did you learn in sunday school today?

Me: That I will always be learning something new about God.

And that seriously seems to be the truth. We're reading The Shack and what I was reminded of today was to take God with me in my thoughts of the future. It's so true. My mind usually always wanders to other places, other plans, other things and in actuality my mind should remain in the present and not fret over what is not going on.

Usually when I think of the future its not always in the most positve way, and it results with me feeling anxious. Well, now, I'll be praying that God helps me to keep Him in those thoughts as well. :)

On another note, my mom would have been 55 years old today. Why do I think about those things? Why do I do the "what ifs" and try to image what we would be doing today? I asked God to heal my heart and heal the pain that I still feel from her loss.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm being too selfish when I dwell on her passing. But I do miss her, and I try very hard to remember what she felt like, sounded like.

Papa wrote to me and it made me smile. :) I should write to him more often, just to say hi.

God has certainly changed me by bring Maddie into my life....

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Lately

The lastest going-ons in our house, in pics...





Buckey, my son's dog stayed with us for a week while Jeremy and his dad visited Fl. :)
She's crazy!

ohhhhhh, those blue eyes...



Daddy playing the guitar for his baby girl

We took the family out to the drive-in movies lastnight and watched the movie UP. It was a great show and I cried several times. Land of the Lost and Night at the Meseum was playing on the other screen and I do believe we'll be going back to see those. Overall it was a blast. There were tons of families out there. We arrived around 7:30, got some food, let the kids play with other families that we knew, watched the movies, ate popcorn, and then headed home around midnight to our warm, soft, beds. It was $20 for the whole family; I certainly see this as a Friday night family routine. :)

Friday, June 5, 2009

Oh Jesus,

I'm having a hard day, my Lord.

I'm not sure if its gonna get any easier.

I'm tired.

I'm confused.

Just stay close by, will ya? Hold my hand and I'll be just fine.

I love you.

Chattanooga OB/GYN Center

Oh, my dear, Dr. Johnson. :)

I think I've been seeing this man for a good 8 years now. He delievered Jeremy almost 7 years ago, so yeah, its definitly been over 8 years. :) Anyway, the first thing he did was to ask about Maddie and then he appologized for not being able to continue my care because of my decision to have a home birth.

We then discussed birth control, which he said he didnt like the mini pill, which is usually used while breastfeeding, because too many women ended up getting pregnant on it. Oh and you know me, I could be breastfeeding, taking the pill, and would still probably end up pregnant. :) Well, I wouldnt put it past me.

So, we decided on the Depo shot. I picked it up today, and because my insurance is changing, I had to pay for it out of pocket, which wasnt too bad, and then I'll go back in Monday and get the shot. It's good for four months and I'll probably use it while I'm nursing. It actually took a great deal of stress off of me since with the mini pill it needs to be taken every 24 hours, on. the. dot, or its less effective, and again, I just dont trust my body enough to not end up pregnant. :)

So, Monday morning I'll call and probably run in, get the shot, and be on merry, infertile way. Oh and on a side note, I seriously dislike the word infertile. It's just a personal issue, but still, just throwing it out there.

On a different note, my MIL went with me to the dr. this morning. I love her, because Jesus says I should. :) We disagree on some things about child rearing but I think its mainly due to different generations. She asked why I didnt have a swing and I said because I think babies should be on the floor when they are to be playing rather than sitting in a swing all day. Well, I could see the wheels turning and she'll probably send some time telling me how beneficial a swing would be, and cross your fingers, she doesnt just pop up with one. Boundaries, people, boundaries.

Other than that, my hubby is on the bad list and we have some major financial issues to discuss. His mom never blames him, and yet nor does she ever take the blame herself. I on the other hand feel responsible for everything and everyone, but thats another post for anothre time.

I'm happy, overall.

p.s. please keep Kristen in your prayers...

Thursday, June 4, 2009

So Sad

I felt utterly heartbroken all day yesterday. After Kristen called, my world just kind of stopped and all I could do was think about her and all she was going through.


Sean came home and I ran to him for a hug and all I could do was mention Kristen. We hugged for a moment and then I went straight back to cleaning


A few years ago I dont think this would have effected me the same way, but after losing my mom and having another baby, my life has changed a great deal. People mean more to me, my friendships actually effect my life, and my inner circle includes a great deal more people than it once did.

I think for so many years I wasnt able to let my gaurd down because it just hurt too much and now some of the pain has healed and its as if I'm waking back up to life.


I spoke with Kristen lastnight and she is coming back home later this week. I told her she could stay with me and she said she'd probably stay a night with me and that she certainly wouldnt be staying at her parents.


I pray I'll know what to do for her. I just cant imagine the pain she must be in. I pray I dont say the wrong thing or try to minimize her loss in anyway. I guess I'll just follow her lead. If she wants to talk, we'll talk and if not, then we'll just go one with life the way we usually do.


Thats how me and Kristen usually do things, we ignore the hard things and just laugh about the other stuff thats left.

Updated:

Kristen and I just talked and she's the best person in the world, making me feel better when she should be the one that we're focusing on.

We laughed and talked about what we'll do while she's here: pick up Ms. Deborah and head out to chinese food. Then its playing guitar hero while she's drugged, like she did the last time she spent the night after having surgery. :)

I've missed her so much. It's just terrible that this is why she's coming down.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Life is in no way fair

Please keep my friend, Kristen, in your thoughts and prayers.

Only one more day to go...

Tomorrow is the last day of my math class and boy am I ready for it to end.


It should be illegal to cram a 16 week class into 22/24 days.


I passed my skills test and so far I'm carring a B in the class.


Overall, I've learned a bit, however, I'm still not completely competent in my ability to teach it. We shall see what happens when I come to it in the classroom.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Smoothie Kind Rocks My Little Toe!

I found out this morning that my sister-in-law is taking a class to get her GED, and I'm super proud of her.

I really think that the fact that I was in school practically the whole time my oldest son was in elementary/middle school, that it has shaped his idea of higher education. He has spent his high school career planning which classes he should take to better prepare him for college.

Now, I've never drilled it into his head that he was going to college, but it has been a big part of my life, like I said, through out his very formative years. He is even taking advanced classes to get college credit for them and plans on attending Ga. Tech. to be an Engineer. Ga. Tech being a a great school to get into. Again, I'm proud. :)

So, anyway, I love learning and I've always enjoyed being a student. It's something I'm good at and I hope to always be capable of educated myself further through life. That being said, I now turn to my hubby.

When I met Sean he was recovering from a broken relationship. Just after a few months of knowing him, he began working on his bachlors degree which really geared me up and got me involved with my Masters. Since I was currently working at my school, I switched my major from psychology to special education and havent looked back since. :)

Anyway, when my mom passed away Sean was there to help me and the boys. A semester was finishing up and he asked me if I wanted him to continue on with school or take a break and help me. I remember that whole scene and how it played out. My family had all gone back to Memphis and I really felt completely alone...I asked him to take a break. He did and he's never returned back to finish his degree.

Our lives picked up pretty quickly after that. We moved in together, staying in separate rooms for the boys sake, but we were dating. We then moved into his parent's home and took over the payments. A year later, after talking about it a great deal, Sean decided it was time for us to marry, but due to a complication with a previous marriage of mine, our local courthouse wasnt going to give me my marry lincense. I worked for about 4 months on getting things straighted out and when the opportunity came open for us to go to another state, we jumped on the idea and were married the very next day. :) It was then a month and a half later that I was pregnant with Maddie, and life has been busy ever since.

Ok, so again, going back to Sean, I always felt guilty for him leaving school. He actually used the money he was to pay for his classes to help support me, which left him with a hold, meaning he must remain the money before returning back to school. Now, step back to a few weeks ago when I was looking for a car title through our file box and there, back in the very back, was a file of Sean's exgirlfriends. There were love notes, dear john letters, and a list of goals.

The one that sticks out the most for me is that Sean wanted to take the time and make himself into the man that women knew he could be. I was so touched when I read his words. And then today it hit me, I wanted to give back to Sean what he'd given me: support, love, understanding, and the ability to complete my goals. I want to give Sean the opportunity to return to school and finish his degree. I plan on filing some papers, seeing if he will qualify for any assistance, and then possibily enrolling him in a class, all as his birthday surprise. What do you think? Oh, well, I dont care what you really think, I'm just so darn excited about that idea I could scream. :)

Monday, June 1, 2009

Today and knots in my belly

Overall today is going well. A friend of mine is leaving work to be a full time nanny and so I told a mom of a student of mine, which I have a math class with, about the opening and she got all excited and then said she didnt think she'd qualify.

I so understand that people dont want to go down, put all the effort into getting a job, and then to be turned down for it, but I really think people should try, you just never know. And plus, I didnt learn all I know until I begn working with all the therapists at school, thats when you really learn about child development and what activies are best with kids/babies.

I go back to work in a month and even though I'm looking forward to seeing all my kids and co-workers/friends, I'm so gonna miss the days just spent with Maddie. Yeah, she'll be two classes over and I'll be able to have outside time with her, twice a day where I'll love on her continuously, but that still wont compare to our time at home. :) However, I am excited to share her with other people that I care a great deal about. I've worked at this school for almost 4 years now and those people have really become a part of my life. I'd even call some family. :)

On another note, my friend goes in today to get her ultrasound to see whether or not her baby is still with her. My belly is in knots just thinking about the experience. Her husband is in the Navy and wont be going with her to the appointment. Lets just say I was mad about that. I told her to give me a call and I'd stay on the phone with her. She in New York which means no family or close friends are with her today. I keep praying that little Frankie will be there but my rational mind just keeps doubting it.

*smiles* I read about Sarah and Abraham today, when God told them Sarah would have a baby and she laughs and says she's too old, her and her husband, but God does it anyway. Should I put all my faith into the fact that God can do the impossible? I should put my faith in trusting God to do what is to be done. I dont know the big picture; I just know the here and now.

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.